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Write What You Know OR Are Romance and Sex the Same?

"The Trouble With Romance"

Excuse me while I share a little more than is probably decorous in this blog.  People say, write what you know.  This became a particularly interesting thought to me of late.

I was talking with some friends and it came up (you don’t want the details of how we got to this conversation) that as part of a personal growth thing I’m doing right now, I was currently being celibate.  This is the point where one of my friends (very active… if you know what I mean) cried out, “How are you supposed to write romance if you aren’t having sex?”  I found this amusing and enlightening.

Not to be sexist, but the friend who said this is a guy, and I thought the comment showed a lack of understanding as to what romance is and requires from a writer.  If I was writing Erotica (not to be confused with Erotic Romance… my own little soapbox) then an active sex life might help with my writing.  I’m not convinced it would, but it probably wouldn’t hurt. 

As a romance writer though (erotic romance included), I think all I need is an active imagination of how my perfect romance would end.  Notice I said end?  Because, as we all know, we have to put our heroes and heroines, or H/H (in any combination) in bad situations and give them trials to overcome and obstacles to break through.  But, when all the difficulties and misunderstandings and insecurities and fears have been addressed or handled – our H/H will come together and live happily ever after.  The end.

Sex is not the same as romance.  Sex is a nice part of romance but it is not the same thing.  So, while my erotic romance sex scenes might be slowed down by my own lack of… it doesn’t have to be.  I’m not dead after all and I do have a memory. 

The romance though, the romance requires no sex at all to find inspiration because while sadly, my own relationships thus far have not measured up to my ideal in any way, I know what I wish it looked like and that’s what I write.  When Epic Black Car (Sorry – I can’t get his link to work) wrote on his blog that romance writers are a secret army of man lovers – I cheered.  It’s true, we love our manly-men.  Any guy who wants to know what women want – read a romance novel.  We tell you.  We lay it out in black and white in millions of books a year. 

So, while I agree that in many ways we need to write what we know (it’s easier), romance is not one of them.  If we were all getting what we want and need in our real life relationships, we might not have such a driving need to escape into it in a book.  I know there are tons of successful relationships out there and this is not to discount them in any way, but I sort of think that even the best of them could use a little boost now and then. That’s my thoughts at any rate.  What say you?



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And on we go…

So, after the crushing blow to my writing and ego – which I’m glad to say I got over pretty quick – I am back to the writing and the new stuff has passed muster.  Published friend was amazed at the improvement and so we soldier on. 

I will say, it has been interesting to see the changes in my writing and in myself as I take this journey.  Both, me and my writing, are more open, more expressive, more emotionally honest and more vulnerable.  All good things to the new and improved us.

It’s possible, writer friends.  Not easy, but possible  🙂


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And our winner is…


I will be notifying our lucky winner who will receive a copy of Danielle’s eBook “Loving a Fairy Godmother”.

Have a great day, everyone…. and keep writing, reading or both 🙂

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A new blog to play on – yay me!

Give me a week to figure out what I’m gonna do here and I’ll get busy. In the meantime, I have a new blog up here… and, you can find my website here

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